The future is a scary place

Monday, I thought I had finally managed it...I had found the tears I knew were hiding somewhere and I was ready for a torrential downpour. I thought I had, but I didn't. I teared up, my chest tightened and my throat felt like there was a boulder caught in it, but they didn't come. Funny thing is, it wasn't some dramatic interpersonal conflict or the culmination of 6+ months of mope. No, it was because my 'future' is approaching at warp speed and I'm ill prepared to meet it.

I've been a colossal nerd my entire life. When I took the CAT tests, I scored in the 98th percentile or above for every subject. In 7th grade, I was offered the chance to take the SATs and if I achieved a certain score or higher, I could skip a grade. When I applied to SUNY Plattsburgh, I applied and interviewed for and ultimately received a full scholarship. Since I've been here, I've maintained a 3.8 GPA, been a teaching assistant for multiple classes and done research for over three semesters with three different professors. I've presented at the Eastern Psychological Association's conference in Brooklyn and will hopefully be presenting at the Association for Psychological Science's annual conference in D.C. this winter.

I'm not describing these things to brag or honk my own horn---I think it's become pretty salient at this point that regardless of achievement or reality, I don't feel particularly intelligent or attractive (who does?)---I'm describing them because it has become one of the cornerstones of who I am, the way I define myself, and at times that is difficult, especially now. I've always held myself to unrealistically high standards and if I don't reach them, I cut myself down. I live my life according to 'If...then' statements (appropriate for someone who lives her life in the world of hypotheses)...'If I get an A in this class, then I'll be satisfied'...'If I lose 20 lbs, then I'll be happy'...'If I ace the GREs, then I'll feel successful'. But the problem with those statements is that the stakes keep getting higher and higher---and I'm never satisfied.

I'm proud of my accomplishments and I love what I do. I love Psychology and there isn't a single doubt in my mind that it will be my field. Psychology never ceases to flat out enthrall me---when someone can discuss brain physiology with me, it's like foreplay. The first time I ran my own study that I designed, I felt like King Kong on cocaine. I was ready to go stop a train with my bare hands, cure AIDS and stop world hunger all in one fell swoop. I know that I want to ultimately work in academia, to teach hungover college students and also conduct research, but I don't know if I'm ready to commit to a 4-6 year PhD program in one field quite yet.

This gives me a boner.

On top of not being positive what specific field of Psychology I want to commit to, I don't have the time or energy to make my application count. For the first time in my life, I am a small fish in a massive pond---a pond populated by brainiac fish who were child prodigies, have publications under their belts and GRE scores above 1500. Students who crap out genius. And as much as I'd like to think I'm one of them, I'm really doubting it.

I'm rushing myself and forcing myself to make decisions that I feel unprepared to make. I've had this steadfast plan that I would immediately transition from undergraduate into a doctoral degree in Social Psychology. I picked out the schools, researched their credentials and requirements, and until recently never really evaluated what a monumental decision I was making. Reality has chased me down, and it's time to make a choice. Not a choice of whether or not to attend graduate school but a choice as to whether or not to do it IMMEDIATELY.

For the past few hours, I've been running possibilities in laps around my mind, comparing the pros and cons of taking a year break before enrolling in a doctoral program. I've had numerous friends and Professors tell me it isn't a bad idea---that in fact, it may be a great one, but I can't help but feel like I would somehow be failing if I did. I'm a raging hypocrite because objectively, I would never consider anyone a failure for doing so---but subjectively? I'm my own worse critic and I can't help but feel like I would be letting my family down, regardless of the fact that I'll still be getting my PhD. But that's who I am. It's who I've always been.

A break would allow me to study and raise my GRE scores without the distraction of school, save money for when I do move someone new and potentially expensive, get a decent job with my BA, focus on my schoolwork and psychological studies this year and beef up my application, continue skating and bout with my amazing derby girls and truly evaluate what I want with my life and future.

My brain hurts. I'll probably cry soon.