rollerskates and reformation

I had a livejournal for almost a decade. Despite the fact that I used it mostly to write angsty poetry, talk about faeries and post socially awkward pictures of myself with lots of eyeliner, it truly helped me through some sticky spots and really allowed me to articulate the things that I was feeling (and lord knows I had a lot of feelings.) Right now, I'm in a very transitory period (although I guess logically life is always transitory) and I'm trying to use the momentum I've built over the past few months to keep me moving down a path to a place where I'm more positive, more assertive, healthier, and most importantly, gentler with myself.

The reason I chose the blog name 'rollerskates and reformation' is because (1) it serves as a testament to the very activity that has been both my inspiration and action regarding making a better me (roller derby) and (2) I'll talk about rollerskating...a lot. I'll save the salivation over delicious derby girls for my tumblr.

Back in April, we started our local derby league, the North Country Lumber Jills. Despite the fact that roller derby is this beautiful clusterfuck of everything I adore (beautiful tattooed women, booty shorts, fishnets and tube socks, rollerskates, and aggression,) I was hesitant to join, mainly because I was (and am) hyper aware of what awful shape I'm in. Climbing the stairs at the parking garage on Church Street was like an Olympic event and I wanted a medal when I made it to the top. Luckily, roller derby is a sport that is ridiculously body positive and being a bigger girl can be an asset (so long as you're agile and a great skater.) But despite my crippling self consciousness, I did it, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Roller derby came into my life with perfect timing. I had just ended a 2 year relationship which had grown to be unhealthy and unhappy and I was pretty broken up about it (think alcohol poisoning at 3AM, sitting on the floor with no pants on, vomiting into a trash can with a box of Kleenex in my lap.) Roller derby not only gave me about 10 new strong, talented, hysterical friends but forced me to step outside of my comfort zone of napping and binging on cheeseburgers.

My first practice was excruciating. I fell on the same butt cheek easily a dozen times and my muscles were in agonizing pain. We did push pulls and I tried my hardest to push a line of five girls around the track...the effort was visible (pictures posted in the local paper feature me looking like I'm shitting my pants.) But despite the pain and the fact that I was an awful skater, I went home feeling like a fucking superhero. Since then, I've become a considerably better skater, I have visible quad muscles and I wear spandex shorts without an ounce of embarrassment.

the North Country Lumber Jills...I'm the sweaty ginger on the right.

As much as roller derby pushes me, sometimes it bowls me right over. I have cried at practices, vomited, bled and sweat buckets. I've had to (and continue to) confront the same issues I've dealt with for essentially my entire life....namely, my awful body image and piss poor self-confidence. Each time I skate and make a mistake, it feels like I'm in 8th grade gym class doing sprints, tripping and landing hard on my 200 lb ass in front of snickering adolescent girls. Every time I put on a pair of shorts or a tank top, I struggle to feel liberated rather than humiliated and hope with everything I've got that I get there someday.

These issues are nothing new, they're just rearing their ugly heads in a new venue. But I am determined to keep skating, to push myself harder each practice and become the best fucking blocker Plattsburgh has ever seen.  And I'm going to push myself in other ways too, because this isn't just about roller derby or losing weight...

This is about radically altering the very way I perceive myself.
This is about being healthier, not thinner.
This is about making the right choices, not because I have to, but because I deserve it.
This is about wrestling demons.
This is about making lemonade out of shit.

I'll be using this blog to try to stay positive, to deal with the slip ups I know are coming and to really work through anything and everything relevant to being Erica v2.0.

So here goes nothing.